I just got done listening to the best self-help book ever: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most".
I highly recommend this book to everyone because it applies to both ones personal and professional life. From your neighbor whose dog barks all the time to the boss who you need to ask for a raise, this book helps you understand why such conversations are difficult and how you can make them easier - so that you don't avoid them! The books comes out of the work of the Harvard Negotiation Project. Why are converstations difficult? Fear for consequences! Will I succeed or fail? Will I make it worse or better? What if I do nothing? "If its difficult its about you" - there's some personal reason that's making it difficult. The authors suggest that you should think of such situations as an opportunity. An opportunity to improve situations or strengthen relationships. Here are a smattering of key phrases and concepts from the book:- Questions disguised as statements: "Do you have to drive so fast?" really means "You make me nervous when you drive this fast". Which one is more likely to lead to a productive conversation?
- Multiple Stories: taking the perspective that you have your view or "story", the other person has theirs and there may be a third story that lies hidden under the surface. Exploring these stories is how you come to resolution off the conflict. Importantly, sometimes people just want to tell their story, and when they do, the conflict is resolved without further action.
- Absolute either-or thinking is a trap. Give or take is essential.
- Both stories matter. Both perspectives are correct. Do not fall into the trap of creating a discussion that is a zero sum game in which one party has to lose so that another can gain.
- "People don't change until they first feel understood"
- "Trying to change someone guarantees that no change will occur"
- Changing the goal of a conversation to be that of learning rather than debate of known points. "You don't know what you don't know" applies because their are usually hidden reasons for someones opposition to your position
- "Understanding doesn't mean you have to agree". You've still made ground if you understand each other, even if you don't agree. The goal of agreement as resolution can be a poor goal in many situations.
- "Identity Conversation": considering the impact on ones identity or self-esteem
- "Feeling Conversation": sharing feelings...one of the very few indisputable things that can lead to understanding
- "Learning Conversation": seeking and volunteering information
- It is important to re-position disagreement from a blame perspective to a contribution perspective. Usually both parties contribute to the problem...sometimes by avoidance of it...sometimes by subversion...owning up to your contribution is important.
- Watch out for statements that can cause an "identity quake": a message that can be received as a criticism that shakes someone's self-esteem. For example in parenting, anything that is critical of certain important parenting choices can be received in a very negative way. To accept the statement as true implies that you are not a good parent, which may be something profoundly important to your indentity
